Blog, Poems, Teachings
A place to record all of the above.
A place to record all of the above.
With my Be Real journey, I am being vulnerable, open and raw (that is soooooo real to me). Here's the next thing I feel I need to express. I am finding myself with a fair amount of anxiety this morning. Most of you probably don't know that I have lived majority of my entire life in a state of anxiety. Even as a baby. My baby teeth were ground flat because of grinding them in my sleep. Yes, I am well aware of the saying, "if you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are in the present." Blah. I agree to a certain extent. I don't wholeheartedly agree like I used to.(that may change too) Here's why.
First of all, as a baby....do you feel I was living in the future? I don't think so. Was I having a hard time also feeling others emotions and energies? Definitely the case. Even as a young one I had a very hard time feeling others emotions. I had no clue what was going on fully, however, I did recognize that because I could feel others emotional states, I thought they were all directed at me. Because of certain things said and done to me at a time when "they" were feeling certain emotions.... I would take them personally. I developed a coping mechanism very early on of being a people pleaser and doing what ever I could to make them feel relaxed and at ease. Most of the time it has been acting extravagant or cracking a joke to make them laugh. Putting them at ease helped put my system at ease.
Now that I am an adult and I am aware of my coping mechanisms, it doesn't really make it any easier. I may not be acting extravagant or cracking jokes to make others feel at ease, but I am still gun shy and anxious with conflict or when others are feeling anger, disappointment, resistance and other emotions that are similar. Anger is the hardest emotion for me to feel in my body from others. Not all of the time am I shy and anxious with conflict, but today I am. It feels like I am not in my power. How did I let it slip? I have no clue. That is what I really feel anxiety is about. It is about my power. Letting my light shine in the world. Standing for what I feel is right now matter how someone else reacts. Speaking my truth no matter how it is perceived. Sometimes it is so easy and other times it is so fucking hard! I am not fully aware of all of the varying degrees which make up the state that cause me to feel out of balance from my power. Is it because of feeling others emotions so deeply? That is quite possible. *Here comes a rant.*
I have had several complete strangers come up to me and tell me that, as an empath, they can help me. They teach me ways to protect myself and blah, blah, blah. (All of the ways, to me, that keep us separate from our truth.)
I barely said two words to them. They assumed by me being quiet that I knew nothing and was asking for help.Their "Spirit Guides" told them to say something. They know more because they have been on their spiritual path for a long time and you need these crystals in your left hand and hop on your right foot...You need to go to my empath therapy group...etc. etc. What I really wanted to say to the people that have been doing this to me is "FUCK OFF." You don't know me. You don't know my path on the planet and why I am here. If I barely know it how can you even remotely know it? Your spirit guides told you.....do you even realize your spirit guides are you? And is that really your intuition or your ego HAVING to tell me this? I didn't ask for your advice or opinion. Let me be. If I want your information I will ask you. Spiritual Bullies come in all forms. I have met a lot on my journey. *End Rant*
Phew! What was the rant all about? Its great way to vent of course, but those scenarios did happen to me recently and as much as I got angry about what the people said/did, they are a fabulous reminder to speak my truth, own my power and bask in the glory of--ME. The amazing, beautiful, loving, compassionate masterpiece called Nicole. I am a piece of art in progress.
Back to the question of where and when I separated or suppressed my power. I could really analyze the shit out of it. I have been so good at analyzing situations and scenarios my whole life. Hell, I have been such a pro at it that I can analyze my analyzing. HA! HA! HA! Does it solve anything? Nope. It may bring me piece of mind temporarily, but is usually far from the truth of what IS. Analyzing brings me into the observer role yes, but also keeps me from feeling the emotions that there are to feel. I have needed to analyze why the feelings are there and come to a solution as to where they came from, whether from me, my experiences or someone else. That sure creates separateness doesn't it? It keeps me from truly feeling them doesn't it? Yesiree it does. Who cares who, where, when, what, why? There is nothing to protect myself from. There is nothing I need to keep myself separate from. There is nothing separate. I am an individual expression of God, however, to protect myself from other expressions of God sounds and feels quite absurd to me. Maybe there is a possibility that I am here to help others transmute those emotions. I wouldn't be doing it if I wasn't supposed to be in service to the planet--right?!?!
Where do I go from here with my anxiety? With feeling others emotions in addition to my own? With knowing analyzing doesn't work? Gosh! More great questions that are best covered with analyzing! HA! My conclusion in this moment is to recognize when I feel the anxiety, I am not basking in the glory of ME. For now, I will remind myself to bask, and be thankful that I notice stepping away from reveling in my awesomeness. Keepin' it real with myself...being real with myself and others...one step closer to discovering my reason for embodiment--knowing full well that once I recognize it, my journey doesn't end.
Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more!
Delving deeper into my definition of being real is what I am about right now. I almost feel like a small child in a way because what is coming out of my mouth are the original thoughts that pop in my head. I am not filtering like I used to. It was drilled into me from a young age and especially from the "best friend" that I removed from my life--to filter. I would get corrected All.Of.The.Time. Don't say can't, won't, don't, etc, etc. Don't say anything that sounds like a judgement, a curse word, something that would hurt someone else's feelings, be considered rude or crude...the list goes on. WOW! What is left to say? OH...RIGHT... all of the fluff, sugar- coated bullshit that makes me feel small, in a martyr role, and not in alignment with my truth. All of the words that are in my head are not to be spoken. I am not supposed to express them. I am however, supposed to blow false words out my ass instead...because that is what spiritual people do. I am supposed to take the high road because I am more awake and aware.
Can you guess what I say about all of that? You got it....FUCK THAT. I am done taking the high road. I am done filtering so that I won't offend, be considered rude or crude and make sure my words meet everyone else's needs, but my own. I AM done with all of that. I am more than a "what you see is what you get" type of gal. You may never be prepared for what is going to come out of my mouth next. The one thing I still tend to be mindful of is to not accuse someone else of hurting me, etc. That is me giving away my power in one more way. I am working really hard (I have been) to get my power back. Beliefs and conditions put upon me from endless characters and avenues are definitely unraveling at an accelerated rate. I feel those (the beliefs and conditions) are infinite ways to keep me (and us) small.
Can situations hurt? Oh yes! Can I get angry or sad? Oh yes! However, I have been making peace with it on my end through journaling, having conversations with myself and then speaking my truth with others that are involved. Whatever may come out of my mouth, so far, hasn't come across as being rude or against someone yet. I will however call a spade a spade. I will now tell you how I am seeing the situation. I have allowed others to influence me from my truth. Keep me from who I really am so I would fit in their little convenient fucking mold. Which poses the question, "Who the hell are you Nicole if you aren't what you have been portraying all of these years?" Very good question.
I don't know if I can fully answer that question yet. What I can tell you is this. My free flowing rebel that loves hard rock music, concerts, tattoos, and traveling on a whim is back. She is no longer suppressed. Yahoo! This time I am more in love with myself and feel even more alive! It feels like the weight of the world is being lifted from my shoulders. Phew! Thank goodness. I am still having raw, heart wrenching feelings like I am being shredded from the inside out. However, I know that my Soul, the true me, is ripping away all of the things that aren't really me. So rip away. Shred that shit. I got this. I know this is only fine tuning me for whatever reason I am here on this planet. At least I sure hope so. Why the hell else would I have to go through something like this?
Thanks for reading...follow along with my journey as I continue my path to being real if you desire. 😊
It's been a bit since I have written. After reading this you will understand why. Let's put it this in words that are easy to read. My whole world has been turned upside down. I have been ripped open from the inside out. Shredded almost completely down to nothing. Everything that I "thought" I was, was stripped away. I have been left raw and exposed to everything and then stomped on and crushed into oblivion. Did that paint a pretty picture for you? That is the gentlest way I can describe the transformation I am in right now. What was down is now up, left is now right, back is now front, etc. I am left with not knowing who I am, why I am here on this planet and what my next step forward looks like.
You may be wondering when this started. Hmmmm...it's been happening for a while. I would say it started about a year and a half ago. My Higher Self really started to try to get my attention. It began that I was having trouble reading any books. Mind you, the only books I read at the time were spiritual books. All others I would be bored with or thought they were hogwash. I kept getting clear messages that the books were old ways of thinking and you have all of the information that you need. The voice was getting louder. I listened, or so I thought. The next clear message was that I was supposed to back off from certain people in my life. One in particular, it was the strongest message, that the main person was my closest best friend. That was definitely a challenging one. Not only did she finally leave my life, (in a shitty way mind you) several others have gone in the time frame too.
What I did was turn to video and audio teachings. They aren't books, right?!?! Current teachings of course! Not what is considered the old paradigm. Higher Self said....NOPE... In the mean time working, working, continually working on building my business. I was driven to put myself out in the world to help serve others. And then it happened. My Higher Self said...NOPE...and it all came crumbling down. Shattered my dreams. Made me see my true reality. It is important to mention that she wasn't quite done yet. I was still doing a couple of things for my business but had scaled way back. So she said...NOPE... She has literally taken almost everything away from me. Why you ask? That is a great question I would say. "But you are spiritually advanced Nicole, why now?" you ask. One thing that feels right is that I was not being real with myself. If I can't be real with myself, then how the hairy can I be real with anyone else? I have been wearing what I like to call my rose colored glasses. Sugar coating everything. Thinking I was in a different place than where I really am. Not being realistic. It is awesome to have goals, dreams and aspirations, however, not when you take it so far that you are living in a different reality. Somewhere in life I learned that as a coping mechanism.
This coping mechanism came in the form of ( see if this resonates with any of you), If I continually believe I am at some level or have something, then so it shall be. I lived as if. THAT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. I was not being realistic with where my energy is and where I am at in this very moment. I have been living in a fantasy world. Let me tell you something....it hasn't been as fun as it sounds. I got caught up in the spiritual bullshit. Yep. You read that correctly. I called it spiritual bullshit. I am calling all of it spiritual bullshit. It is a bunch of crap. We even adopt what others have said like about empaths, chakras, the cosmos, energy, everything. I am done with all of the bullshit. And ya know what? I feel more real than I have in a very long time. But even more real than I did when I felt real before because I am more aware in my consciousness than I have ever been before.
The only thing I know right now is to be real. To enjoy the simple human pleasures and throw the spiritual hoops and rituals in the garbage. Being human is the most spiritual thing you can do. I came in with the Divine Love already awakened, now it's about awakening the real human.
This Journey is not over....please follow me as I continue on this journey of being real.
This is where I put the things that the Divine wants me to share at this time. :-)